Hurt

I had coffee the other night with a friend of mine and a statement was made about how none of us realized how hurt he was.
This hit such a nerve. Understanding that this is something else I have to let go of first I've got to put these thoughts out. My first mistake was dating someone who was not divorced, I would never do that again. It is the worst decision you can make. Then I made the mistake of giving up what I believed in by moving in with him. It went against my own values but I did this anyways.
After I moved out again I felt that the foundation was crumbling. Perhaps this was all in my head but there was so much going on at the time and I didn't know how to handle it all and I am not good at verbal communication. We broke up, to get back together, for me to be told not to bring up the marriage topic again. For someone who was clear from the begining that this is what I wanted that was cruel. This just goes back to I should have ended the relationship when he told me he never wanted to get married again. But when he said those words to me I was already in love and thought he would change his mind. Turns out he did just not with me.
But back to the story. So thru out the summer we continued on. Unintentionally he hurt my feelings a lot. I bottled it up, didn't say anything. When I would try to talk about it I either couldn't communicate effectively or I was shut out.
I have bad habits. There were existing things before I ever met him that I needed to have dealt with a long time ago. I would drink too much, this is something that I've done since college I understand that it's not the right way to deal with things but it is what it is. Another factor that I didn't deal with was the eating disorder. I faced it after the fact but he never knew that this was going on, if you don't know that someone has the issue then you're not looking for any signs of it. As things between us grew, and this is my perception, more tense I was definitely retreating to that habit more and more.
I've apologized and apologized and begged for forgiveness both immediately after walking away and then months later. For all the mistakes that I made I take full credit for them. What hurts me is that I'm perceived to be a manipulative liar and this horrible person. I honestly did so much that I can't understand why he would believe that except when my friend pointed out none of us knew how hurt he was it hurt me all over again. I have to give this up to God and let him heal the hurt that still exists from all of this. God has already brought someone else into his life who is awesome and for that I'm so happy. I prayed for that all along. In my own life over this past year it has not been easy. I can say that I know myself better than I ever have before but I think that is because I'm seeking the Lord more than I ever have before.
Jeremiah 29:12-13 "12) Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13) You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."
If I hold onto all this inside then I'm not truly letting it go. It's been covered by the blood and I am free the old things are no more and God is definitely doing a new thing I just don't know what it is yet.