1 year out

I was reading back over something I wrote this time last year and I think I'm finally ready to post this. I would write this and then fall back into old habits but now that I read it again I know that more than ever I truly believe that the only way to find joy is to seek after the Lord with your whole heart.
Thoughts on Faithfulness September 2007
Whenever I go through something particularly difficult I’ve found more and more that I fall back on what I was taught as a child. Proverbs 22:6 “Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.” So looking back over the past year I’ve come to realize that I hurt someone else badly because I was selfishly seeking my way. I disregarded Matthew 6:33 “But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.” I wanted my way and I wanted it yesterday and instead of waiting on God I tried to push my way. Instead of following the exhortation of Colossians 3:2 “Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things.” I focused on my current life here. But God is faithful and even when we make a mess out of our lives he still wants us to pick up the pieces and move on, but to move on by living for Him. This life of mine for the past 18 years has been all about what I wanted. I decided when I was 10 that everything was negotiable. I was hearing all this teaching but really I wanted to have fun, it wasn’t cool to have to follow all these rules I wanted to experience “Life” I wanted to have fun the way the world had fun. I didn’t want to acknowledge God unless it was on my terms. Especially through college and once finished with college. I wanted a job, and to find someone and to have a family and I wanted all of this on my terms. I pursued the life that I wanted for myself. I can’t say I didn’t have fun but that kind of fun comes at a price. I look back at some of the guys who have hurt me so badly and I allowed that to happen. I allowed that into my life because I wasn’t living my life the way that I knew that I should. I tried to fill up the empty places in my life with things and with fun and I sought relationships that were projects because I felt like I didn’t deserve to have that “perfect Christian guy”. I felt like because of my past I was not going to be worthy of the love of someone who was a Christian. I grew up in private Christian schools, I believed the guys who I had gone to school with represented all Christian guys. I wasn’t even going to try to meet a Christian guy to date because I felt like he was going to be horrible and close minded. I believed he would judge me for the past decisions that I’ve made. I went the opposite direction and specifically dated guys who were not religious. But then when you start trying to think about a future with someone you start realizing how important it is to have similar view points on faith and religion when you’re thinking of merging two lives together. This became even clearer to me after my last relationship. I’d never dated someone who was going through a divorce, as well as fighting for custody rights. I had no idea what I was signing up for when I started the relationship. As we went through different challenges I found that I fell back on my beliefs. He attended church with me every week and while we were both there I was repeatedly feeling convicted for not living my life the way I knew I was supposed to. We went through so much together and I truly did love him. I never believed that he was the one for me but I thought he was the one I was going to marry. I tried so hard to measure up to everything he wanted and needed me to be. It wasn’t all at once it was a gradual process, when we first met I felt so loved and accepted for just me. Our relationship continued and I was told that I had things “to learn” “to figure out” but I was never told what these things were. I was trying to change but I didn’t know what standard I was trying to reach. I felt like nothing was ever enough. Finally it all reached a boiling point and the relationship ended. I walked away and hurt someone else but I vividly remember standing in the bathroom that morning and knowing that I had to get out! I ran and after the fact apologized but I just remember feeling that I was never going to be enough and I was never going to be able to make this person happy. The process of breaking ties so severely is something that is hard, harder than I imagined possible. Having never been so completely involved in someone else’s life I was unprepared for the hurt and pain it would cause. I believe that God has someone for me. I don’t know who that person is. I’m not sure how he will bring us together. I can’t worry about that, my focus now is on living my life the way I’ve been called to live. God is faithful, He is merciful and He loves us. I can’t just walk out of the situation without establishing for myself where I stand and what my beliefs and values are. Had I been more grounded in what my beliefs were I could have saved us both a lot of heartache. When I met my exboyfriend he was a spiritual seeker. He and I talked about what we believed and thinking back to our conversation I remember skirting around my values, I mean yes I went to church but I still had “fun” and of course I would be having sex because that is just something you have to do when you’re in a relationship. If I had at that moment taken a stand and said that because I believe what I believe I won’t be having sex with you he and I never would have dated. I would have been saved all the heartache because I would have been living my life the way God has directed me to live. But I wasn’t there yet and it would take several months before I began to understand that God has a purpose for telling us to wait. Through March and April the sermon series at Church was “Imperfect Harmony” it was a whole sermon series on dating and relationships. I moved back out of his house and into my own house after I heard the message on saving your marriage before it starts and not living with one another. The reason you shouldn’t is because it’s a sidestep to the real commitment of marriage and people go ahead and get married and never deal with those issues and then they get married and nothing changes and then they get divorced. I thought it was a mutual decision when I moved out but I would later find out that he only agreed to it because it was such a big deal to me. He felt like it was necessary to live together before marriage so you could see if you were compatible. He never understood the incredible guilt I felt over the situation. When we broke up the first time in May it was because we were at such different places he was nowhere near ready to get married again or have a family. He told me that I still had things to learn and that broke me. I told him it was over. We got back together but then I was banned from bringing up the subject of marriage. It was rocky for several weeks and I was miserably unhappy. There was so much I desired for my future and we were no longer at the same place, his divorce had just been finalized and he was trying to deal with all that emotion. I was trying to be understanding but I had no way of being able to identify with all he was going through. It just got progressively worse between us, I felt like I couldn’t do anything right and then we had a conversation about keeping things fresh and I realized that he had experienced things that I would never be willing to do and I was never going to be enough for him. I bolted it was what it took to make me realize that it wouldn’t work between us. I cried and begged for forgiveness for 2 days but he couldn’t forgive me and said that if the trust was so lacking in our relationship that I couldn’t talk to him then we didn’t need to be together and he was right. I couldn’t talk to him, I’d quit being able to talk to him about the same time that I moved out of his house. We’d been through so much together so fast and I kept waiting for the guy I first met to come back. I kept waiting for that funny caring guy to re-appear and for everything to be the way that it was and that just was not going to happen. So I found myself sobbing and through the tears God’s voice was so very clear to me, “I love you, I’m here for you, I’ve never left you, I don’t change, I want my best for you” In the darkest hours and through the tears I knew that God was there. I knew that my Heavenly Father cared and wanted His best for me.
Through the pain and the heartache I realized I needed to figure out what was important to me. Why do I believe what I believe? Ephesians 2: 8-10 “8) For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— 9) not by works, so that no one can boast. 10) For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.” We have not earned our salvation. God’s grace is why we have been saved. No matter how hard we try we can never work our way into heaven. We have been called to be a light unto the world. Matthew 5:16 “In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven.” We are to be living examples of Christ’s love in the world. John 3:16-18 “16) For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. 17) For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him. 18) Whoever believes in him is not condemned, but whoever does not believe stands condemned already because he has not believed in the name of God's one and only Son.” The battle has already been fought and won for us. When Jesus died on the cross he enabled us direct access to the Heavenly Father. Jesus gave His life so that we might live life eternally. This is why I believe what I believe. I know that I have a Savior who loved me who gave his life for me. I believe what Romans 10:9-13 says “9) That if you confess with your mouth, "Jesus is Lord," and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. 10) For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you confess and are saved. 11) As the Scripture says, "Anyone who trusts in him will never be put to shame." 12) For there is no difference between Jew and Gentile—the same Lord is Lord of all and richly blesses all who call on him, 13) for, "Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved." All we have to do is call on Him, and He hears us and we are saved.
Now that I’ve established why I believe what I believe now I have to look at where I’ve been. I’ve never been very good at dating relationships and in looking back there was a key factor in why they didn’t work. I dated men who were focused on this life. Many of them didn’t really have any spiritual background or if they did it was very traditional and something that they pulled out maybe for the holidays. The weekend my exboyfriend and I broke up was Labor Day weekend. Everything happens in God’s perfect time, I spent the whole day Saturday with my Mom. The message at church that Sunday was about the chains of anxiety that keep us from running the race, it was such an incredible message and I heard it first at the 9 AM service with my friend Laurie then I stayed for the 11AM message because my friend Karen was there. She and her husband Dave were baptizing their little boy Evan that Sunday and it worked out that I was able to hear that very powerful message twice. Monday, Labor Day, I spent the day with my Mom and my Godmother Aunt Linda. In God’s perfect time I was surrounded by people who love me and care about me and have been praying for me all along. What a blessing it was to know that even though my heart was hurting and the path that I believed I was going down had been ended God wanted me to know that He had a better plan for me. When I would call my friend Patrice with various things that were happening her question always remained, “do you really think this is God’s best for you?” That question always stayed with me and I would think about it then push it off. I loved him, I loved his little girl and his family I felt like this was what God had provided me. It wasn’t until that final conversation when I realized that I would never be enough that I realized that this really wasn’t what God had as His best for me. Through the pain and the tears and the begging for forgiveness from someone who was not going to forgive me I knew that God was there.
Where do I go from here? Proverbs 3:5-6 “5) Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; 6) in all your ways acknowledges him, and he will make your paths straight.” The Bible is very clear on how we are to live our lives as Christians. Galatians 5:22-25 “22) But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23) gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. 24) Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires. 25) Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit.” In all things we are to offer praise 1st Thessalonians 5:16-18
“16) Be joyful always; 17) pray continually; 18) give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.”
When I’ve thought about eternity before I know that it exists but I’ve always pushed it to the back of my mind. I’m by no means old but time goes by so fast now. I know that the time here on earth is passing and that God has another life for us once this life is complete. Psalm 84:10 “Better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere; I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the tents of the wicked.” We are called to praise Him and worship Him because He is worthy of our praise. Psalm 150: 1-5 “1) Praise the Lord. Praise God in his sanctuary; praise him in his mighty heavens. 2) Praise him for his acts of power; praise him for his surpassing greatness. 3) Praise him with the sounding of the trumpet, praise him with the harp and lyre, 4) praise him with tambourine and dancing, praise him with the strings and flute, 5) praise him with the clash of cymbals, praise him with resounding cymbals. 6) Let everything that has breath praise the Lord. Praise the Lord.” God is faithful to all generations. Psalm 100:1-5 “1) Shout for joy to the LORD, all the earth. 2) Worship the LORD with gladness; come before him with joyful songs. 3) Know that the Lord is God. It is He who made us, and we are His; we are His people, the sheep of His pasture. 4) Enter His gates with thanksgiving and His courts with praise; give thanks to Him and praise His name. 5) For the Lord is good and His love endures forever; His faithfulness continues through all generations.”
I don’t know what my future holds but I do know that God is in control. I do know that I have to trust Him in all things. Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

As I read back over this I realized I was finally ready to actually post what I believe because it's time for me to stop making excuses and really hold onto the truth.