Finally got around to...

Tuesday night I had dinner with Family Clean. My SIL mentioned she has no pictures, at all, of Girl Clean other then the ones she has taken. I promised that I would remedy this. Later that evening Mr. Clean was cleaning out his desk and found our CD of wedding photos.

Yesterday I brought the CD to work and went through the pictures. I came across this series and first they made me laugh because you can see the progression of Girl Clean's attention span. The last 2 pictures are the huge difference between 2 1/2 and 3. Girl Clean still has the baby look at the wedding while her picture from Christmas Eve she looks more little girl, SOB!!! Love her!!! 

We have eye contact with the camera, she was sick the day of our wedding so I'm sure everything going on was overwhelming.

She's slightly bored and everyone is calling her name

And suddenly she spots the sparklies on my dress

Someone is calling her name and she is temporarily distracted from playing with my dress

Then she starts tugging on the ribbon and someone is telling her not to, this is her typical face when you tell her no.



She had just started walking down the aisle. Had I really thought about it I would have just walked her down holding my hand but this only occurred to me this week as I was thinking back.



This is the picture from Christmas Eve, and she will be 3 on Saturday, before we know it she'll be driving!

Working out

My friend/coworker Miss V commented yesterday about how often I've been running. Truth, I actually am working out the same amount but I'm actually having to plan it a little more then normal. At my condo I could walk out the door and run. At my parents I can run but I have to run up and back and up and back in order to have a decent run. It's a 1.1ish mile stretch. I did this Sunday morning with Jack Banner. I don't like up and back repeats or loop running because it makes me antsy. I like to have a route that does not repeat itself but you do what you have to do. I also have the gym that's close enough by that I can go and this has increased my strength training.

The funny thing is with all the lifting and moving I've done my arms are actually very toned. So it's fun to look at my arms when I'm doing my weight reps and see the muscles. I just wish my legs could look half as good as my arms. This is what happens when you have an apple shape. If I go by my clothes I'm actually a normal size, however when I look at my legs they look ridiculously fat to me. It's in my head, I get it, doesn't change that they are fat.

Moving on. Last night I had a great workout. I did 2 miles running, then leg weights, then another mile then arms and then I called it a night. I plan for a Thursday afternnon gym workout, followed by dinner with 2 of my girlfriends. I have cancelled most plans I've had with anyone since moving to my parents and this night is MINE to spend with my college roomie and my friend NH. It won't be a late night. The following morning I have to be up early to go to the farmers market then I have to help set things up. I didn't want to have to help set things up but since it's "my" wedding it means I'm obligated, whether I wanted it or not.

I feel bad, my mom wants this to be special and she loves me and I get it. Last night she says I look at her like she's public enemy number 1. If I said that this wedding is what you want it would just hurt her feelings more so I keep my mouth shut and say thank you for all you're doing. She says she's not stressed because she has good friends and they all want to be involved in this day. I swear I'm not ungrateful, it's just NOT AT ALL WHAT I WANTED or have ever wanted. She chooses to forget that even in high school I swore up and down I would go to the courthouse if I ever got married. Yes I worked in bridal, yes I've had a blast helping my friends with their weddings and enjoying their weddings and I love all things wedding related, I have just NEVER EVER NEEDED THIS FOR ME!!!!!!!!!!

I'm thankful, I truly am. I'm blessed. I'm aware that this too shall pass and when it does I will be married and my life will have a new normal.

Tuesday

4 days, just 4 more days.

Last night my Mom and I met with the friend who is directing and the friend doing the music. Much to the dismay of them all there will not be a rehearsal. This did not go over well. However, his dad is best man, my matron of honor has been in several weddings, I've been in several weddings and Mr. Clean has performed weddings. It will be just fine, and if it's not it's still going to be just fine.

We went to dinner last night and I told my Mom she had a momzilla moment, because she did. Have you ever watched Bridezillas and seen the bride crying/sobbing because something else has not gone her way. That was my mom on Sunday night when I explained that the clean family can't be there until 12, just in time for pictures but not for a rehearsal.

In email today my mom says that I was wrong to call her that and she just wants everything to be perfect and she's doing all this so I will have a special day, and my mom does want all this. Because I know how she is I did apologize. She does want everything perfect. I have not said the reason I gave you the time frame I did is because if I gave you more time you would KILL yourself from stressing out so much. What she fails to see or understand is that I just want to marry Mr. Clean. If Girl Clean has a meltdown and we have to calm her down, so be it, such is life. If things don't happen just the way they are supposed to, such is life and this would not be any different then how life normally goes.

Our commitment to each other is very important. The songs that we've selected, AMAZING!!!!!!!! BEYOND EXCITED about the music!!!!!! What we promise, is a very big deal. If the wedding itself is less then perfect, who cares, life is about the quirky moments that make special memories!

Weekend test and some fun stuff too

I was up til 3 on Saturday morning. Then I was up at 6 in order to go ahead and have my makeup mostly done for the shower that was happening later on in the day. I hope I passed, I knew the information but I was kind of delirious, a little bit. It was commercial property, commercial endorsements, time element, inland marine and mechanical breakdown. It's what I do so even though it might sound boring I am a nerd and I did enjoy the learning process just not the studying for the 20 question all essay exam.

After I left the test I drove home and threw stuff in a bag and Jack in the car and headed up to see Mr. Clean. We had not seen each other ALL week and I had missed him!!!! We hung out for an hour and then he followed me to Miss Kay's parent's house. He met Miss Kay for the first time and my sister Jelly was already there so they said hi to each other. He left to see girl clean and I was handed a glass of champagne, it took 2 for my voice to come back. Yes I have a lovely habit of losing my voice when I'm overly tired, stressed, or both. It was wonderful to see my friend and catch up with her. She looked so beautiful and she and her Mom and sister outdid themselves on the decorations and loveliness that was my bridal shower!!!!

Family and friends started arriving, and the love that was in the house was amazing. I'm truly truly blessed when it comes to the love that is shown and I was so thankful for the friends and family who were all there for me to celebrate my upcoming wedding. Hailey has wonderful pictures from the day, I am delighted that she was able to be there and for her pictures, her post made me cry a little. Funny anecdote I texted Miss Kay after my test and said fair warning I'm operating on 3 hours sleep and I have a roller coaster case of PMS. She texted back that she has been on a diet and it's making her crazy and we'll be the quite the pair. I texted back and said we always are. I was actually very composed for all the moments of my shower, I didn't dare read the cards til after the party when I was just with Mr. Clean. Miss Kay had a moment right when we sat down for presents, or as Mr. Clean calls them, prizes. I introduced everyone and then began opening gifts. We were blessed by our friends and family!!

My friend KH came to my shower, and this was a very big deal! She had emailed me regarding the engagement and concerns that she has and I had responded and we had talked about everything. Her card said for better or worse, in sickness and health I will always call you friend. Also in attendance was CF&G's mom. There has never been a question that AE, AES and AFP would be invited despite how they came into my life I have loved them and been a part of the moments of life so without question they would be a part of mine. My 4th, 5th and 8th grade teachers were there, my friend NH and my college roomie and my friend VB and just so many others and it was truly an amazing time for me!!!

After the shower I drove back to Concord for church with Mr. Clean. I arrived and JB had refused to pee for Mr. Clean and therefor had dribbled throughout the living room. So he was in his crate. I know once we move he'll acclimate it's just hard on him right now.

Today I was able to spend the entire day with Mr. Clean. It was wonderful!!! I didn't run this morning despite my best intentions. I meant to eat yesterday but never really got around to it. The piece of cake at my shower I sat down and never got back to so I had a total of 4 bites, very bummed about this!!! The good news is I'll have cake again at my reception made by the same lady so I have just a few weeks til I can enjoy my frosting again!!!!  We went to Kohls to return some things then Concord Mills to pre-shop bed bath and beyond and then look for bands for my ring. We've been told we are not allowed to use anything from the shower until after the wedding, major bummer, but patience is a virtue!!

It's been an amazing day, and a wonderful start to the week!!!!

I should be studying

I have my all essay exam tomorrow morning starting at 8am and it's currently 1:33am. I've studied and I know I know the material but all essay means I have to be able to do more then just answer yes no or true false questions but I actually have to explain and defend my answers. It's on commercial property and inland marine, fun stuff, and actually because I'm a nerd I really do enjoy it. I will not be quite so positive if I don't pass and I say goodbye to the $400 I won't be reimbursed for, if I do not pass.


Tomorrow after my test I may be picking up girl clean I may not but regardless I will be going to my shower. Miss Kay has planned a shower and I am the guest of honor. While I'm excited and blessed that she planned this for me I had stated that I did not want a shower because Mr. Clean and I chose not to register. We have so much already we felt it was unnecessary. Since it's happening I'm rolling with it and looking forward to it!


I called my mom this morning to check on Jack. He has been at my parents since Monday evening. I missed him so much I went over this evening and picked him up. He's been asleep next to me the rest of this evening. So this morning when I called to check on him I asked my mom a question I've been pondering since the beginning of the week. Mom, why do we need boutonnière and corsages? I honestly think they are kind of ugly and definitely a pain to deal with. My mom, but I like them. At which point I said ok whatever if you want to pay for them go ahead. Well but no it's your wedding. I said it doesn't matter it's not a big deal. 


Last year when Bean and Jelly got married I told my Mom that she could do whatever she wanted for my wedding but she had to leave them alone. Little did I realize that 9 months later I would meet my frog prince and then have to actually keep my word and let my Mom do whatever she wanted. I really don't have to, but it's just easier. Then today I get the and we'll go set up the center on Friday morning. UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! See the whole thing is I don't want to have to set up, I don't want to have to think about that, I just don't care. I'm thrilled and delighted to marry Mr. Clean, I just don't want the hassle of having to set up the reception. This is part of why I didn't want a wedding, I don't want to have to deal with this part and I knew I would get stuck and be obligated to help, because that's how my mom is. She's recruiting her friends to help at the reception, my brother is horrified. To be perfectly honest I'm not delighted by it either, but whatever.


When it's all said and done I will be happily married, and my Mom will have something to talk about with her friends for weeks to come. She will have plenty to say about whatever I did or did not do, and as long as I don't have to hear it I don't care. I sound ungrateful and I don't mean to I love my mom it's just she is meeting every expectation I had for how this would all play out.

Early morning phone call

I called my Mom this morning. Specifically to ask where did my adjusted list go, the one that was significantly shorter then the list that was used last night. I was trying to get ready this morning and ALL I could think about was the circus and the amount of people and how this is SO NOT what I wanted and SO WHAT I had been trying to avoid!!

After pointing out that after the people who have already told us that they can't come won't be there, there will probably be another 25% on the invite list who won't be able to be there. Then she told me that this is just the enemy attacking my thoughts and trying to steal my joy. That comment I just left alone, my joy cup is running over, just not regarding this particular part of the process. However, I do know she's right about all the people who really won't be there. Once I subtract out just the ones I know for sure won't be there it does bring it down by about 30 people give or take.

I've determined that when it comes to Mr. Clean and my Mom what I'm going to have to start doing is not venting regarding my Mom or this process to Mr. Clean. When I share information I will do just that. I've already tried to be careful about this but he knows how I feel and I think a large part of his attitude is because of how I feel about everything. I have decided to be more positive and share less in order to try and keep this from creating any further drama. He just wants to show up and I know this so I'm going to do my best just to keep it calm and easy. I don't dare mention the number of actual people I will just say that there are going to be a lot of people who will not be able to come. I am venting to my brother because he knows how Mom is and he does get it.

Part of the reason why the date was set so quickly is because I was already aware that it would be this way. I knew the faster I was able to get this part out of the way the less circus like it would all be. When there is not a lot of lead time it allows for less buildup and in this case that is the best scenario. My mom wants a special day, and no matter how many times I say this is not what I want she will not hear me so my responsibility becomes remaining positive and filtering information and trying to just get everyone in and out of the church so that no feelings are hurt and no lasting damage is done to relationships.

Guest List

I've got to keep this brief because it's late and I have to be up early. My mom and I had it out again tonight. I understand what she was saying and we talked though it. Then came the list, and she started going through names and exactly what I specifically said I did not want to happen is going to happen. It's going to be a freaking circus.

I can only hope that everyone invited who has already explained that they will be out of town will really be out of town. Mr. Clean has 12 people total he has invited to our wedding. The 190 others... All my side. I kid you not, that is an approximate number and I think it's probably more then that.

I texted Jelly as we were addressing envelopes and said fair warning it's going to be a circus. I understand and get that everyone is happy and wants to be there. I know I love weddings and I love being a part of them and I think that they can be a lot of fun, as long as it's not your own. I did push back on some of the people on the list. I also added names of mine because I figured if this was the list then it blew my desire for small out of the water so I was going to just go ahead and invite friends who I knew would like to be there.

I know that this is supposed to be our day and on the day of, it's going to be all about Mr. Clean and I. I have taken steps and pushed back enough to make sure that when it's all said and done we will remember this as the crazy day of our marriage but large parts of it will still be all ours. A wedding is a wedding that is all. I'm marrying the man I've been waiting for and I am blessed. We love each other, for the most part we laugh at all this. I've told him thank you a million times for being willing to let me have this day, or technically let my mom have this day.

My mom said tonight that she didn't understand how her daughter who used to draw wedding dresses and loved attending all her friends weddings did not want a wedding of her own and she completely blamed this on Mr. Clean. I pushed back, I said that yes I loved drawing wedding gowns but that I have real life experience from working in the industry. I have watched my friends and the stress and money spent and last year at Bean and Jelly's wedding how even though they tried to have fun they were mostly just so stressed out.

She doesn't want to lose me and she is scared that this is what is going to happen. I forgot to point out that for the 2 weeks after our engagement we couldn't see his parents because we were spending so much time with my side. I told her I haven't wanted a wedding for years because I understand the ridiculous stress of it all. I said if she and Daddy had the money or I had the money then we would go to the beach or mountains the way I've actually always wanted to do but no one has the money for that.

I push back on the truly important things. I made sure that there were enough invitations for Mr. Clean's guests and I will make sure that when it really truly matters I stand up for what is important. It's all about choosing my battles.

I will say this, my dress, OH MY WORD do I LOVE my dress!!!!! My invitations, I LOVE my invitations!!!!  Mr. Clean left the decision to invite Girl Clean's mom up to me. He said you are my wife and this is your decision, we've been talking about this and ultimately he deferred to me because I come first and he's made that abundantly clear. I invited her, because I have a feeling that if we continue on the note we have started our little girl is going to be well adjusted and only ever know a united front when it comes to the adults in her life. I say all this to say, there is much that is good!!!! What's not so great, gives me something to blog about :p

Last week, weekend, parents, mini vent

Last week was full!! Mr. Clean's car is back in working order, after a LOT of money. Fortunately no one got arrested over the whole incident when the guy who fixed it lost power to the car, told no one, and told everyone that it was fixed. My Dad's being watched but things are under control and he's on medication.


Friday night I worked the restaurant. Saturday morning I went for a wonderful run!!! I drove up to Mr. Clean's and we took Baby girl/Girl Clean for an Easter Egg hunt at Mamaw's church (Mr. Clean's parent's are referred to at Mamaw and Papaw by Girl Clean). She was more into the cupcake then looking for Easter Eggs or crafts. Once everything wrapped up at the church I left with Mr. Clean's mom to take her to lunch for her birthday. We both love Mexican so we decided on the place and when we were seated she excused herself to go to the ladies room. I took that opportunity to pass along my credit card to make sure that I paid for lunch.

We had a great lunch and sat and talked and I got details and information that help me to better understand Mr. Clean. I'm sure she learned more about me as we sat and talked and shared. The end of our meal comes and we had a different server and I asked to speak to the original guy who took our order. The server could not find him and I was becoming more and more nervous. Finally the guy comes back and says he can't find him and I told him I hoped he could because the guy had my card and I was paying for lunch. My attempt to be discreet was a complete fail. I was able to pay for lunch, I had a wonderful time and I think so did Mama Clean. She dropped me back off at Mr. Clean's place and I spent the rest of the day with Mr. Clean, Girl Clean and Jack Banner. We went grocery shopping and Girl Clean fell asleep. She had to be back at her mom's by 7:30.

When we got back we started working on the Mac & Cheese, baked beans and dessert for the lunch the next day. Mama Clean's birthday was Saturday and Mr. Clean would be spending the day with his family on Sunday. He had chicken that needed to be grilled so we also fixed a chicken pasta along with the other dishes we were fixing. It was the first time he's let me help in the kitchen. We started and had everything assembled and refrigerated in 2 hours.

Sunday I was up early so I could take Jack for a walk. Mr. Clean was meeting me at the church I grew up where my parents still go so despite not getting to bed til late I had no trouble waking up. I knew that this would be an interesting experience for him and I was nervous. He was right on time meeting me and we went in, my Mom totally expected him to be late and did not do a good job hiding her shock that he was with me. The service started at 10 and we were there at 9:30 so for a good 20 minutes there were so many people coming up to us to meet him. I had already given him a little warning that these people have watched me grow up and are very excited for us and he did a good job of smiling and greeting people, he didn't reveal how overwhelmed he probably was by that experience.

After the service he left to be with his family. My mom was so ticked off that he wasn't coming to meet my family despite the fact that I had said from the beginning that he would be with his family on Easter. I didn't know he would be joining me at church until the week before and I knew all along he would be at lunch with his family because they were celebrating his mom's birthday. In my mom's way of thinking it was more important for him to meet her family then it was for him to be with his mom for her birthday. I never even mentioned lunch to him despite my mom being on my case about it because I knew it was important for him to spend that time with his family. I did not point out to my mother that if my brother had done something like that to her she would have been devastated. I just let it go.

I had a wonderful time with my family. The California relatives were with us and we all had a great time talking and laughing and enjoying our day. Jack behaved himself for the most part. He pouts when I put the muzzle on him and I kept him on his leash for quite a bit of the time. My Grandmother and my Uncle's Dad both use walkers to move around and I did not want any accidents because of my dog. My mom would have let him just run around and didn't understand why I wouldn't but I knew better and I knew it was necessary to keep him on the leash. In her mind Jack can do no wrong, I'm aware that my dog can do quite a bit of wrong and needs to be made to behave.

Yesterday afternoon I arrived home reviewing my mental list of all that I needed to do. Mr. Clean surprised me and brought me dinner, a bowl of the chicken pasta we made Saturday night and a piece of the cake we made for Sunday's dessert. Both were so incredibly yummy!!! He didn't stay long since he knew I had so much to do but it was such a wonderful surprise to see him and I definitely appreciated the food!!! My mom called to touch base with me and I told her what he had done. "You mean he didn't stay to talk to you?". I said "yes he stayed for a little bit and we talked for a little bit but he knew how much I needed to get done so he didn't stay too long." "Well I guess that was very nice of him…" I give up, I can't make her like him, I can't make the situation anything other then what it is. I'm letting her have her wedding, I'm letting her do what she wants, I'm trying to maintain my sanity while working and trying to get everything done that I have to get done when it comes to work and work and packing up my house.

His parents love me, and have been wonderful to us. His Dad has done a LOT of projects with Mr. Clean and yesterday I received a picture of the front porch swing that his Dad hung up yesterday. I'm so excited about our swing!!! They could be suspicious and judgmental of me and they are not.

I keep having requests to see me, my mom's friend's, my friend's. I feel guilty, I only have so much time in a week. This week, last night I worked on the house and went for a run, tonight I'm working at the restaurant. Tomorrow night we have premarital counseling, Thursday night I will need to spend time with my dog and be at home. Friday night I work. Saturday morning I have an oil change, I will see Mr. Clean for lunch and then I have to be at the restaurant at 3 for a meeting and be there the rest of the evening. There is only ONE of me, and I am feeling the pull from way too many directions. Fortunately for the most part I think my friend's get it.

I understand that getting married is special, once in a lifetime, and a very very big deal. I also understand that a wedding is just a day, a celebration for a beginning not the be all end all. I am so excited to marry Mr. Clean. I am delighted and blessed and doing all that I can to prepare for this next big step and change in my life. The wedding itself I don't care that much about. It's my mom's deal. I did order our invitations and I am excited about those!!! I will be picking out my dress, and I am looking forward to that. So I'm not completely removed but I'm also in a weird place when it comes to my wedding because while it is our day, it's not really our wedding if that makes any sense. I love my mom, I do. She is who you want when you are in crisis. She will be on your side and fight for you. She loves me and I know she does. But right now as much as I do love her she also makes me want to scream most of the time!!! I push back when necessary. Example, Easter lunch… Grandmommy is not comfortable walking any longer. Mom is wanting her to walk down the aisle in front of everyone to be seated. I told her if she is not comfortable with this she does NOT have to. Mom is trying to argue this with me. I told her and Grandmommy both that Grandmommy is allowed to do what Grandmommy wants and if she wants to be seated and NOT walk in front of everyone then that is HER right!!!

It will all work out, it will all be over and we can move on with our life. I am thrilled, delighted, ecstatic at the fact that Mr. Clean and I are going to share the rest of our lives together. I am just over the moon for him and I know he's not perfect and we have things we will have to work on in the future, because that's just life and that's how it goes and whatever is going to come up and we'll have to work through it. He loves me, I love him, I am blessed!!!!

Happy Tuesday!!!!